When I went outside today the weather was beautiful. The sun was out and there was a gentle breeze that was pushing puffy clouds through the sky. It felt like it was spring already. It was wonderful. I saw so little of it. I had to work all afternoon in a hot, stuffy room that never seems to have sunlight reach it. I just caught a glimpse of what beauty and life and wonder was, then I was shut out from it all.
I caught a glimpse of what life was supposed to be like this weekend. Miss Elizabeth came down for the prayer conference that was held here at AUC. She stayed in my room for the weekend and we got to talk again. I also got to got to some of the meetings for the prayer conference. I reminded me what life used to be like. I also got a glimpse of what my life was supposed to be like. Not an "I will do this and this and this and marry this person and have X number of children" kind of thing, but a reminder that there is more to life than school and hanging out with friends and sometimes getting to read a book for fun.
In my mind I saw a peek of an abundant life. I don't know how to get to it though. I used to think that I knew, but I don't, not anymore at least. I ache for it, I crave it. But not enough. Not enough to sacrifice, to go without sleep, to risk failing. I'm stuck in this sham life because I can't seem to wake up to reality enough to risk everything I have now for all the glory life could be.
It was wonderful, that moment, that view of life. I can't write about it, I can't describe it. Everything in life wasn't perfect but I could see the harmony in it all and I could see God's hand guiding. I know that that is how life is meant to be seen, but I can't shift the paradigm.
In my mind I know that there is hope that I will find perfection, that there is strength for me to live. It's promised. But now I feel so weak and so hopeless that I will ever stand again. That I will ever see beyond the superficial and find what I was meant to be.
I don't know how to close. I have so many thoughts and yet my mind seems so empty when I try to type. Inside I think I might know what I need to do but I'm not sure of anything anymore. I fell as if I've fallen so far. Not out of His grace, never that, but so far from Him all the same. I guess what I'm trying to say is this...Pray for me.