Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!

I feel rabbit-eque. Last day in my management rotation. Don't have the time or energy to explain what that means. I get back at 4 and think to myself "one hour to sleep and then dinner and work." I got to sleep. I got very, very asleep! I think I can remember dreaming. By some miracle of God I actually woke up before I had to be at work, barely. I grabbed the school work I had to do and bolted. On my way over I tried calling people to see if anyone could bring food to me over at the nursing department.

This is very important as I have had to eat today...

1. 1 cup of hot chocolate
2. 2 pretzel sticks, size small
3. 4 different kinds of vegetables
4. 1 roll with butter
5. 1 diabetic pudding
6. and I found 4 granola bars in my bag when I got to work which will be eaten soon

That is hardly enough to sustain a person through a 17 hour day. So the people that I called? Three people didn't answer their phone and the other two were on their way to appointments that were.... just kind of... important. One was able to stop by the cafe but there wasn't anything that could be picked up in a hurry.

So I will eat my granola bars and once I'm out of work at 9 I'll go "home" and make myself a big steaming bowl of Raman!... Yay.

Reborn Again

The truth I knew I long forgot.
The awe and joy in You became
Routine. Tradition took the place
That once discovery held.
How did I fall from peaks and vale's
Onto unchanging plains?

The world's weight presses on each side;
My burden and my path both grow.
So I breath
Never feeling the sparkle in the air,
The wind caress my face,
Or Your Spirit by my side.

You made the blind to see
But the seeing lost their sight.
Make me deaf that I may hear
And blind that I may see.
For only those who see the dark
Will understand the light.

Teach me how to live
Looking beyond the ordinary view.
Teach me how to see
Your hand in all that breaths and moves.
Teach me how to trust
That every day's a gift for me from You.

peace in the storm

So I did go to the GODencounter at Winnekeag yesterday. I was ask by Elizabeth almost a month ago to be in charge of the prayer room. Well, what she called it was prayer cover, which seems a bit different to me. But that nitpicking.

I really didn't want to go because I have so much that I have to do for school. There's the videos for management , the practice NCLEX for seminar, and the 3 quizzes for Med/Surg on top of studying neuro and attempting to finally memorize the cranial nerves which I should have done 2 years ago in A&P.

I thought that this early in the year the workload and the stress level wouldn't be too bad. However I forgot something-this is nursing where there is no such thing as starting slowly. The first week you have class for 8 hours a day. That's not slow.

But I am really glad that I went. Not a lot of people came to the prayer chapel they had set up in one of the cabins so I spent several hours just praying and journaling and reading. I haven't had time, or rather made the opportunity, for me to do that in a really long time. I did get to go to the meeting as I was to man the chapel during the workshops. The speaker was really good and very, very funny but the highlight of the day for me was really the chance to stop doing and just to be.

All over again

So. School started. This is the second day of classes and I'm still alive. I understand what's being taught. I haven't even gone through what was previously the prerequisite first-day-of-nursing-class panic. When I heard what we are required to do I just thought "Oh, ok. I can do that. I've done it before." So I should be doing very well.

But it's already started again. I always forget about it and when I remember it becomes minimized, marginalized. I always seem to think that it will be better this time. I'm alone, separate. Everyone else seems to know each other, seems to see each other. They have classes together, they room together, they eat together and than I wander in—the intruder. I know it's all in my head, but that doesn't stop it.

With a very few exceptions every human contact that I have is superficial froth. Don't think I don't know that in every interaction there's some degree of froth, I do. But it hurts when it comes from people I thought I was closer to then that. When that happens every interaction that is meaningless hurts.

Don't mind me. Just feeling a little blue. Apparently no one outside of the nursing department has school work to do. I’m just alone tonight. Don’t worry. It should be better later.

g-aaack

That is supposed to be a sound of distress. It doesn't come across so well when typed as when said. Today I go back to college. Yes, I have now been the whole winter break with writing next to nothing. "Why?" you ask. Because, silly, I didn't want to! Nothing very fascinating happened anyway. I'm 22 now and have had no great revolutions to my character. I've traveled up to Bangor and reacquainted myself with an old friend (and, you know, with the person I was visiting....) I've seen relatives of various kinds, although all paternal. And I've done a lot of nothing.

Anyway...sound of distress. I packed all day yesterday. I hate packing. I always end up in heap of quivering humanity, weeping copious amounts of tears and "snut". Being a) a perfectionist, b) someone who is violently opposed to any change whatsoever, and c) someone who formerly has NO EXPERIENCE MOVING would very easily cause that to happen.

Now I just have to drive 2 1-2 hours and unpack the *^%$#@ thing! And at the dorm too, worst luck. No apartment for me yet. pooy

Silly Quiz

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?